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A Squatty Potty that’ll make using the bathroom a breeze for your bowels, it’s just that waiting in line with a poo-stool in your hand would really have you down in the ~dumps~.
A foot file that’ll give your scratchy feet some silky smooth results worth drinking to!
A weed cookbook for aspiring home-chefs who would rather not explain to the teller where they get their…ingredients.
A shoe spray to greatly improve your rather pungent, sweaty scent (and buying it online means you won’t have to ~sweat-it~ at the register).
A five pound gummy bear – it’s gonna taste delicious but it would be ~beary~ embarrassing if the public found out your sweeet dinner plans.
A tongue cat brush that’ll make your cat *incredibly* happy but would also make the line at the pet store incredibly awkward.
A lice kit – handy to have on hand when things get a little ~hairy~ at home, especially when you can avoid people giving your ‘do some stares at the grocery store.
A boyfriend body pillow that’s gonna solve all your snuggling needs and be far easier to find online than an actual S.O. is.
A hearty bottle of Poo-Pourri to keep your bathroom smelling beautiful, because we all know that everyone poops but we still like to pretend that fact doesn’t ~stink~.
A pack of disposable urinals for camping and road trips and *not* for explaining to the fellow at the gas station why you’re only buying these and a 52oz soda.
Or a Go Girl – might not be the conversation starter you wanna have with your cashier, but it’s gonna save the day when ~urine~ trouble and can’t find a bathroom.
A memory book that’ll cover the not-so-Instagram-worthy moments your family shares together. Nobody needs to know you’d rather record your kid’s worst bowl movements before their first steps.
A hemorrhoid ointment for granting your bottom some relief (buying it online relieves you of having to go anywhere when you’re feeling so sore).
A toilet wand that’ll scrub your toilet bowl and help scrub your mind of what *used* to be in there.
A bottle of bed bug spray best to buy from the privacy of your own pest-infested home, unless you’re prepared to watch everyone start phantom-scratching while standing next to you in line.
A box of gas relief medication that’s easy to buy from the comfort of your own (currently pungent) apartment.
A DIY crafting book for clever crafters who will fur-ociously hide the evidence of where these cute critters came from.
A bottle of Carpe antiperspirant foot lotion that just might finally get your perpetually sweaty feet dry…aside from the tears of joy they’ll be crying when this ships.
A tube of toothpaste to ease your gums: buying it online is gonna ease your worries about people thinking it’s because you never floss (you sometimes floss).
A balm for help in clearing up toe jam, ringworm, and rashes basically as fast as you can click “add to cart.”
A serial killer coloring book – a way to destress in this true-crime-loving world, but it’s sure to look ~sketchy~ to anyone who doesn’t share your…interests.
A box of anti-diarrhea medication that’ll soothe your stomach. This’ll be good to have on hand *before* you and your date go enjoy some all-you-can-eat chicken wings.
A nail biting polish you can grab online if having one more person telling you to stop biting your nails will be the final ~nail~ in your coffin.
A bag of marshmallow cereal (with only the marshmallows) that you’re gonna love…as long as nobody knows you’re a dentist who just bought marshmallows for breakfast.
A caffeinated butt mask sure to wake up your skincare routine but likely scandalize the nosey shopper behind you in line. But hey, they could use a little self care wakeup call! All butts deserve love!
A wine glass that’ll bring you joy every time you touch it, far more joy than you’d have if the teller were to say, “Wow! You must really love wine!”
An anti-fungal polish for anyone who can no longer stand the site of their fungus-filled nail art.
And finally, a four twenty candle for those who want to celebrate their favorite “holiday” every day. A candle this great is gonna be (drumroll please) dope.
When my Amazon account sees how many of these I actually need:
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