Against all odds, these things are here and ready for purchase.
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A pair of loafers that really rise to the occasion.
A pair of instant undies because you never know when you’re going to need them in an emergency.
A reversible sequin pillow case that reveals Nic Cage’s face when you pet it. If this isn’t a national treasure, nothing is.
A box of anus-shaped chocolate so you can finally tell your loved one that you care about them, no butts about it.
Jizz the Game — a game everyone will be pumped to play.
A clock dedicated to a particularly awkward scene in The Office. Now every time can be brocc-o-clock.
A corgi butt bottle opener that is uhmmmmm cute? Look, there is dog caboose merch everywhere these days, so this feels inevitable.
A variety pack of soda for anyone who just really needs to know what buffalo wing-flavored pop tastes like.
Or a Beetlejuice sandworm sticker with a lil’ Furby in its mouth that just wants to say hello. Love a good ’90s crossover.
A pack of black toilet paper rolls in case all your bathroom trips need to be as goth as you are.
A Darth Vader pool float with outstretched arms ready to give you a hug. That’s something we all need right now, even if it’s from a Sith Lord.
A deodorant that smells like freshly minted money so you can feel like a million bucks every day.
A pack of dick-shaped lipsticks that’ll make you look so good, you might get cocky.
An inflatable foot bath you can fill with heel-saving goo that’ll feel oh-so relaxing.
A set of human face stress balls with wretchedly twisted faces sure to turn your frown upside-down (or some other weird direction).
A left-handed candle for my fellow southpaws who would like something that’s finally designed with the left hand in mind. BRB, gotta wash ink off my hand.
A wooden spoon with Nic Cage’s face adorned on the bottom so you can get started on a bread recipe while rewatching Moonstruck. They say bread is life!
A non-medical mask featuring Cuomo’s judgmental stare. If this doesn’t shame your neighbors into also wearing a mask, then nothing will.
An oil painting print of Frank in his Ongo Gablogian disguise.
A pair of horizontal reading glasses so you can read or watch TV without going through the ridiculous effort of lifting your head.
And a sexy (?) googly-eyed thong for turning your junk into a trunk.
Looking for the perfect gift for any occasion? Check out all of BuzzFeed’s gift guides!