1. The Rose family would live in the outback — most likely in a tiny, regional town that almost no one has heard of.
2. They would drive a typical Aussie car, like a Commodore.
3. And instead of being known for a successful video store franchise, they would own the iconic Roses Chocolates.
4. The locals would shorten David and Alexis’ names to Davo and Lexo.
5. And Mutt would naturally become Muzza — because he’s a typical, Aussie bloke.
6. Moira would still be known for her long-running performances in soaps like Home And Away.
7. Which netted her a Gold Logie one year.
8. The local pub (Café Tropical) is still the hub of the town, serving up classics like calamari and chicken parmigiana.
9. And their bestselling coffee is a flat white.
10. Oh, and don’t forget about the corner shop next door, selling meat pies and choccy milk — which David regularly frequents, even though he doesn’t want anyone to know.
11. Instead of a welcome sign, there would be a “big” statue of something.
12. The soaps, creams and balms at Rose Apothecary would make use of local indigenous ingredients, like lemon myrtle.
13. Alexis’ iconic line wouldn’t be “Ew, David!” — she would swear a lot more and probably say something like, “Piss off, David!”
14. Oh, and she wouldn’t be able to order much online because the town would be outside of every online retailer’s delivery area.
15. The Blouse Barn would be a Sussan — and everyone, including Jocelyn, would absolutely froth over it.
16. Moira would be cast in an independent movie called The Magpies.
17. And she most definitely would get drunk filming a commercial for Jacob’s Creek in the Barossa Valley.
18. Mutt — ahem Muzza — would bring Alexis back to his shed, which he built himself.
19. And instead of a two week, all-inclusive vacation to the Cabana’s Couples’ Resort, Ted’s post-breakup trip would be to Bali to “find himself”.
20. Which is code for “I partied and drank a hell of a lot of booze, plus bought a Bintang singlet”.
21. David would end up escaping and becoming a fruit picker with a group of backpackers.
22. Although, he hates being outdoors and doing any sort of physical labour, so that doesn’t last too long.
23. But he does go on a scenic hike to The Three Sisters, where Patrick proposes.
24. Come Christmas time, the Rose family wouldn’t be looking for a fresh tree — it’s summer, so they would be on the lookout for the perfect fan to cool themselves down with.
25. And you just know that David, Alexis and Moira would complain about the lack of air-conditioning.
26. Speaking of Moira, she would be in charge of organising the town’s local production of The Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
27. And Alexis wouldn’t audition for a part with “A Little Bit Alexis” — she would audition with the theme song for her reality show, “Get A Load Of Lexo”.
28. Moira would be invited to Jocelyn’s weekend netball game — not her drama class. But it would still end up with Moira taking charge and becoming the team’s new coach.
29. Alexis would have a near-death experience with a snake while trying to pick up trash for her community service because of her outfits.
30. And the entire family would get startled when they see dingos and other wild animals lurking around the motel.
31. At a gatho with some mates, David uses Vodka Cruisers — not wine — to explain what pansexuality is.
32. And it’s also where he tries his first VB — because that’s what everyone else is drinking, of course.
33. Instead of enchiladas, Moira and David make a pavlova — except they get stuck on the meaning of “soft peaks”.
34. Stavros doesn’t break up with Alexis because he already RSVP’d to Diddy’s white party — he couldn’t pick her up in his jet because he was too busy hanging out with the Hemsworths in Byron.
35. When David needs to auction off some of his designer clothes for cash, he would use Gumtree.
36. But he would run into a couple of obstacles, like a person not paying because they think his Alex Perry sunnies are fake.
37. Instead of a Hawaiian Night, Roland and Jocelyn would host a Kath and Kim-themed party, featuring snacks like Bega cheese cubes, cabanossi and a size of Jatz.
38. Plus, they would dress up as Kath and Kel.
39. And lastly, the series ends with David and Patrick getting married at the local RSL.